Hiding from the online world. The real life world and just the world in general.
Well I broke up with my partner. Nearly 2 years and still nothing to really show for it. Don’t get me wrong, we had some great laughs and great times. But it’s hard, hard when it’s all superficial. I dare say it was mutual. Maybe it wasn’t. I’m not sure, all I know is that I started to detach myself a while ago. It’s hard to engage and keep trying when you don’t feel that the other person is interested. But that’s beside the point. I have no doubt that we’ll be friends later. We have too much in common and get along to well for us not to be friends.
So I took last week off work to look after me. After a weekend of crying and being a generally mopey bitch last week was less crying, same amount of moping but a lot more self questioning.
This week I’ve been back at work. I spent last weekend with friends. My sister and her baby and birthday drinks for another good friend of mine. I spent Sunday with 6 cats and my hellfire urban family. We ate, we drank, we laughed… I love them dearly.
I haven’t cried this week. Well I might have teared up when someone at work asked me what happened. I don’t know what I’m more upset about though. If I were to be brutally honest with myself, I’d say that I knew… I knew deep down that this relationship had a shelf life. But I desperately wanted it not to have. Maybe that’s something I need to work through. How not to waste my time when I know better.
But I do have to admit that I’m feeling lost.
I don’t know what I want anymore. I just feel so confused.
I have an outpouring of love and attention from someone overseas. He is still asking me to marry him. I’m seriously considering it. I have nothing to loose and maybe something to gain.
In that light, I’ve booked a hotel room in New Orleans for Mardi Gras. I’m celebrating my birthday with tits and alcohol. My sister from another penis is going to join me. We are going to have such a bloody fantastic time. New Orleans during the 4th of July was awesome, I can’t imagine how great it’s going to be for Mardi Gras.
I’m going to touch base with my friends stateside. I’ve missed them. I’ve missed the great sex. God, the great sex. Yes.
Which is funny because at the moment I’m feeling about as sexual as a pine cone. I’m hoping my mojo comes back after I’ve gotten myself back into shape and stop moping around like a nutjob.
I also got myself a ticket to the advanced screening of Thor 2. Because there’s nothing like a big boofy man in barely anything to make a girl feel better. Hopefully there will be equal amount of eye popping cleavage so I can come out feeling well rounded joy.
I guess my emo self needs to keep focusing on me. I’ve rejoined OKC – the laughs.. oh the laughs… I think I just want some intellectual stimulation. Well let’s face it, I don’t really know what I want.
But for now, I’ll just keep putting one foot in front of the other and remember to look up occasionally. The stars are worth it.