So I think I can safely say that I’m at that stage in my life where I’m horny as hell. But refusing to have a quick shag to fix it.
But why?! I hear you ask. I ask myself the same question. The answer sometimes frustrates me, my sexual frustration is starting to get unbearable.
I think after so many years of casual sexual encounters I am a bit sick of them. Sure they fill a need, they scratch an itch. But then what? When did I go from being the girl who was happy with a quick fix to being the girl who wanted her sex life to actually mean something? My last relationship wasn’t the best starting point for this. Yet I don’t think I’ve given up on the idea.
There’s something to be said about waking up next to someone who makes you genuinely happy. Or not. I might have found someone who finally fires me up. He pushes my buttons, I want to strangle him and kiss him at the same time. I yell at him and want to flay him alive yet want to rape him. He confuses me. He makes me question my sanity. He makes me laugh till I have tears. No other man has done this before, new territory. Down side? He’s in another country. The thought of meeting him scares the bejesus out of me. At least for the next 2 months. Loki, yes. Suits him perfectly. Let’s name him thusly. But that’s another story no?
I have at least 5 guys at the moment wanting to sleep with me. I’ve put them off. Since breaking up with my ex about 3 months ago I haven’t shagged anyone. That’s not from lack of offerings, it’s from my choice to not do it.
I’m the queen of evasion at the moment. Queen. I want a fucking tiara.
I’m not saying any of this to make myself feel better. I am saying it to make a point. The point being that finding a fuck has never been hard. Guys never say no. At least I’ve never had one that’s turned down my offer of “Oh hi, you’re really cute and smell divine. Want to fuck?”
I’m still on OKC & AMM – if only to see if I can’t find a rope bunny. I need to tie up more people. I’ve got a coffee date on Sunday morning. He’s really pushy, it’s turning me off to the point that I am thinking I’m not going to bother even meeting him and cancelling because I can’t stand pushy guys. He wants me to tell him how I would tie him up. How to politely tell someone you’ve never met that you aren’t going to write them a story for them to wank over when I don’t even know if I will be bothering? Well, I might have actually said that. You can’t say that I’m not honest at least.
The down side of not getting laid regularly? I broke my hitachi. BROKE! It’s been hectic. I had to get a palm power to replace it but it’s just so mediocre!!! And the new hitachi I ordered got lost in the mail so they refunded my money and didn’t bother to put in another order! Oh the wailsomeness of this. I’m forced to either use my hand or the rattling stupid palm power that turns off instead of goes faster!! It’s just… grrrrrrrrr.
Back to this whole abstaining thing however.
I mean I love a good session of denial. When it’s someone else not giving me what I want. Usually sexual pleasure. Or the permission to come. Tears from denial are the sweetest ever. Self imposed denial is killing me.
Will I die? Possibly. How long can someone go without sex before they die? I feel like I’m dying. Yet at the same time I’m convinced that there is more to sex than just the shallow exchange with a stranger. Is it wrong to want someone who can play me like a fiddle? That I can blow his or her mind with a blow job because I know what they love? That I know their buttons? I want that. I want that intimacy, the knowledge of my partner that eclipses the one night stands and fuck buddies.
Does this mean that we might not steal away someone to play with later? No, definitely not. That is always on the table. Always.
Yet I yearn for the other.
So I’m not going to have casual meaningless sex. It’s official now that I’ve said it here right?
But fret not, I still have over 13 years of slutty to go through. And they were such fun years! Oh yes.