Loki – you know the one. The one mentioned in this post about sexual Liberation vs self denial. I thought it best to clarify where this man has entered my life and is causing such havoc which I didn’t expect.
The insane making bit is that he is in another country. I don’t do LDR. They are doomed before they even begin, right? Secondly… I don’t really have a secondly. The first is a pretty big one in my books. My biggest thing is to not get attached. I am attached. We aren’t exclusive, I wouldn’t expect him to be considering I’m a 13 hour flight away. He doesn’t expect me to be either from what he tells me. I’m not used to this feeling of jealousy when he mentions who he’s flirted with or wanting to get a leg over someone over there. I’ll put this down to the fact that they can get what I can’t. I hate sharing something I don’t have. I think it feeds my fear of abandonment. Daddy issues, you know.
It does fit really well with my own sexual liberation though. Because it’s all but cured me of my wish to fuck anyone else. Sexual liberation be damned, my vagina has lust for one man who it can’t get at the moment.
So what do we know about this one that has changed the game?
He’s an alpha – I haven’t really come up against a true alpha before. It’s proving to be an entertaining match. I’ve never lost this much in my life, he plays the game better than I do. I’ll give him that. He’s outwitted me, out manoeuvred me and out manipulated me. It’s infuriating. It’s like a challenge I’ll never get sick of.
He has self-confidence – this might be a given for many, but you’d be surprised at how many men I’ve been with who haven’t had it, only it seemed like they did and then lost it after the first few months.
The bitch drives me insane to the point I see red and totally rant. He finds this amusing. I’ve never been pushed to the point of loosing it before. Usually I’m the calm collected chick in the corner who will prefer to come back to an argument after the high emotions have passed so we can discuss it like rational adults. I lose all sense of rationality with this man. How?
As much as he drives me insane he also has his softer side that I get to see in private. It makes me confused. He makes me confused. I want to bitch slap him, kick him in the dick and wrap him in my arms and cuddle him all at the same time and make sure he’s looked after.
Confusion. I never know which way we’re running. A lot of the time he’s infuriating me to the point I start laughing hysterically. He finds this entertaining as well. Which just infuriates me more. Which makes me laugh more.
He leaves my mouth hanging open more often that not. I have always had a come back. For everything. This guy is paving the way for my utter failure. It’s discombobulating. And annoying. I want to win the witty comment/smart ass reply competition.
He brings out my competitive streak. I want to beat him. I will beat him. There will be a loop-hole somewhere.
Now you see why I have given him the name Loki. It suits him.
I’ll be catching up with him when I’m over there in February. For a whole week. Possibly longer. All I’m expecting is him to cook me a steak. He promised. The rest, well, the rest is up to how it all plays out. I can’t go in there expecting more. It’s doomed if I do. So I’ll keep telling myself that it’s just dinner and catching up in person.
He has said that I’m not allowed to marry the guy that’s been asking me to marry him since I was last there 2 years ago. I told him this was my fall back plan. Option B. I need to get out of Sydney and soon. I’ll probably stay here for another year, two at the most and then make a move. This gives me time to finish my degree and then possibly secure a decent job over there. I’ve been accepted to a university, hopefully they’ll credit all my geology/geophysics subjects from my previous course on to this one. Which means that I have about a year’s worth of study before I can graduate.
Without a man here in person my chance of distraction is lessened to a greater extent so that I can focus on getting this thing done. Yet at the same time it’s going to cause me a lot of angst if we progress.
Time. Time will tell I assume.
I don’t quite know what to expect and I think the unexpected can be a good thing… no?
Until then I’ll try to quell my fears, fear of putting this here meaning that it’s real and not just in my head. Fear that I’m not quite sure I’ve met anyone quite like him before and it’s scary because he’s not here – but over there. Even though we talk and text every day in stupid amounts. Thank gods for WhatsApp & Skype huh? 😀