Austin, I am in you… but he isn’t in me! Failed dates…
12th February 2014
My 2 nights in Austin turned into a week in Austin and that still wasn’t long enough for my liking.
After my disaster that was the hotel/motel of disgusting – I ventured into the air-conditioned cleanliness of the Holiday Inn and literally bounced over to the check in counter to check in. I rushed up to my room, threw open the door, left my suitcase in the hallway and threw myself on the king sized bed and rolled around moaning in ecstasy. Yes I have fits of insanity. Don’t judge me. I might have even made lovely dovey eyes at the flat screen teevee at the foot of the bed on top of the lovely dark wooden furniture. There were no roaches. No spider webs with roaches in them and a chocolate on my pillow. I thought I’d died and gone to heaven.
The plus side, they had a gym too where I could run in air-conditioned comfort without getting lost and possibly getting myself killed.
I rushed into the bathroom and squealed at how sparkly and clean it was. Then proceeded to have a bath. Because I could.
By the time I decided to leave the comfort of the hotel it was starting to get dark and I thought I should go for a walk and see what the town was about. So off I went for a stroll.
Texan’s, I find, don’t walk much.
That’s a different story though. I meet this one guy at one of the bars I stopped in for a water down who seemed nice enough. He wanted to know if I’d be interested in going to a bar that his friend owns. Sure I say, what’s the harm. Local flavour. I’m all for it.
So he takes me to the other end of 6th – the dark, seedy end. Where there aren’t that many bars or tattoo parlours. I hesitate before getting out of his car. I mean, he did park in front of a seedy looking bar. I’ll be fine, there are always people inside, right?
We head in, the bar is, well a bar. There’s a pool table, some teevee’s set up on walls and the bar tender was just such a lovely lovely man. I think I talked more to him than the guy that took me there. Who sat there and nursed his beer while the barman and I chatted away merrily. The bar owner, as it turned out, was the guy behind the bar. He kept pouring me local beers and refused to take my money. After about an hour of my “date” not talking I thought I should try to include him in the conversation. Turns out he isn’t much of a conversationalist when there people around.
I got bored not so quickly after that and made up an excuse about why he should take me back to my hotel – let’s give him credit. He did. He parked outside the hotel and asked to come up. Ummmmmmmmmm.
Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, no. I say. Why, he asks. Well, I’ve got my period and my ovaries are really really sore and I just want to lie in bed and watch some teevee.
Wonderful he says, I don’t mind doing that.
… I might have blinked a few times and tried to think of something to say …
Um, ok. I want to make this really really clear. You aren’t getting anything from me if you come up. I am not going to fuck you.
He nods. I shrug. Whatever. Men are weird creatures. Good thing I checked that the phone worked so that I could call reception if he proved to be “difficult”.
We get to my room and I refused to climb under the covers, or change. I turned on the telle and switched to Ice Truckers, because those guys have some serious balls and I love watching them. Program ends with him lying on one side of the bed and me on the other. No touching. Once it ends I tell him that I really would like to get some sleep and that he should leave now.
He agrees and wants to give me a hug goodbye.
I hate people I don’t like touching me. Especially people who I don’t want in my space. Ie. This guy.
During the hug he swoops in for a kiss. Oh for fucks sake I think, really? Kissing me isn’t going to change my mind, I still am not going to fuck you dude! But figured I will disengage after the appropriate few seconds.
But then I had the shock of my life… I thought someone had opened the flood gates for a dam somewhere because I started drowning in spit. No, I’m serious. Stop laughing.
It was. GROSS. I mean, who kisses like that? I was so shocked I couldn’t move for a good minute… what the hell was this? Is this guy serious? Does he expect me to enjoy this? Why do these things happen to me? I hate you gods, I hate you…. and then I proceeded to twist and turn my way out of his grasp. Dear gods, please help me, I still hate you but he’s trying to kill me by drowning!!!!
Trying to disengage from this guy took all of my learned yoga moves. But I got out. I did stop to wipe my face on the edge of my shirt. I felt like I’d just been baptised in his mouth. It was so disgusting I couldn’t bear to have him near me any longer as I just wanted to have a shower.
He asks if I’d like to give him a blow job.
YOU WHAT?! ARE YOU FOR REAAAAAAAAALZ?!!!
Look, I say as my hand is wiping my mouth to make sure I got all the spit off my face… I told you I didn’t want to fuck you. I’m not giving away a blow job so I can get you to leave my room. I do not want you here any longer, I want to go to bed. I think you should leave.
I opened the door and waved him through.
Yeah byebyebyebyebye – forget that I even exist please, kthnxbai.
My subsequent dates in this lovely city were a whole heap better.