Kneel and obey! .. yes, but… Submission, my way.

I think my submissive side confuses a lot of people.

That I have a submissive side is surprising to many people too. I think it’s because I come across as strong-willed (stubborn), independent (I like doing my own thing) and fail at taking direction (screw you, I like it my way).

So all the hallmarks of what a good submissive is not meant to be. But then, I’ve never really believed the rose-tinted view of what a good submissive should be.

A good submissive is someone who own themselves, they know themselves, they know how to communicate to their D-type if there is an issue, boundary or safety concern. A good submissive is someone who knows and trusts their D-type to take care of them but also has the foresight to know that their D-type is human and might need taking care of instead of always being the party that gets there’s also giving.

You know, all the important things that go into an adult relationship can be taken and placed straight into a D/s relationship. Just because your relationship is kinky, all the other important bits of making relationships work don’t just fly out the window. It takes two to tango. And it also takes two to make sure your kinky relationship lasts inside and outside of the bedroom.

I know it’s all lovely and awesome and oh so amazing when you first start, we’ve all been there… however after 14 years in this lifestyle, you learn quickly that it’s not all fun and games. A relationship is hard work. A D/s relationship is even harder.

Just no.


How about something like this instead and let’s ignore the spelling and grammar mistakes:

My name is Submissive!

I’ll do anything you want me to within reason, I’ll pledge to question you when I believe that something is harmful to my health or well-being, I’ll offer you alternative ideas if I think that what you want could be bettered in some way. Whether you take up these ideas and queries is your decision.

I’ll cook, clean and iron for you and it would be nice if you actually helped once in a while too or made the chores a bit more interesting for me. Maybe make me wear a maids outfit with no underwear on, put an anklet on me with a bell so that you can hear me moving around. Make the boring chores a bit more entertaining for us both.

I respect your schedule as you respect mine.

I will argue and disagree, I expect you to encourage this as well as proper discourse to explain your position – ultimately I will do what you want, sometimes without even arguing because I respect you as a person and realise that as humans we all make incorrect decisions now and then and will hold you to making sure that the health of our relationship is in the forefront of both our minds. Making me do something that I am fundamentally against without explanation will erode my trust in your judgement and in the belief that we will be ok. Because ultimately, by your side is where I want to be.

You are my man, my master, my everything (but not my all because co-dependency is just not sexy in any relationship) and I know that you want me to be active with friends and other interests outside of just you because that’s healthy and will keep us both happy.

You can tie me up, spank me … and I won’t even scream… but I will moan loudly and giggle.

Because I worship you’re the most important person in my life.

And obedience is my discipline! Us is more important than blindly following anything you say so I believe in being all that I can be plus some and expect the same in return.

And that, is what’s gotten my knickers in a knot.

That I see young girls flocking to BDSM like it’s a saviour of some kind. It’s not honey, it really really isn’t. Take it from the bitch that’s been around the block a few times. There’s the potential to get yourself into all kinds of hurt.

Because all submissives believe that they don’t have the right to say “No, hold on a minute, I’m not quite comfortable with x,y,z.” – this leads to all kinds of mental and physical baggage. Within a scene you have safe words, use them. Make sure that you don’t just have 1 safe word, make sure that you have a signal or word that indicates that you don’t like what’s happening but don’t want the scene to end. Most times a safe word will end the scene abruptly and sometimes there is just no need for that. It could just be one thing that you aren’t feeling. Pushing through it won’t help because afterwards you’ll feel like you were mistreated and they should have known somehow by magic telegraph. How do I know? Because I’ve been there.

And there have been times where I’ve surrendered to whatever it is my top is dishing out, even when it’s not the best kind of pain, because that’s what they expect from me and they know that I am hating it… yet suffering for some people comes easily sometimes. But pain and submission are two different beasts. My masochist is a complex being. My submissive is even more complex. The two usually don’t mix.

Masochism, for me, is purely about the S&M exchange. It’s the pain, the hurt, the suffering. I’ll cry, I’ll try to run away, I’ll beg for no more… Yet I expect my sadist to ignore my pleas until they’ve had their fill because if they actually stop and listen to me, I feel like it was a scene wasted. To hurt me till they are happy they’ve hurt me and I’ve suffered enough for them. Because the suffering is a big thing for me. To take what I’m given, as hard as it is. My masochist isn’t a sexual being. None of the pain play I do involves sex or any kind of sexual overtones or undertones. It’s purely about the giving and taking of pain, does it make me wet? Yes, yes it does but it’s not about sex and usually I’m totally unaware of it. Based on that I’ve been known to stop scenes when a top disregards my request of not touching my cunt. I should preface here that I do not bottom for anyone, I have a select few that I trust enough to do this with and anyone who is a masochist will know that having safe and trusted tops is really very important.

My submissive however will orgasm from an over the knee spanking. She’ll melt at being held up against a wall by my throat and being growled at, angry sex is so hot. She gets wet at the thought of kneeling or being at the foot of my D-type. My submissive is all sexual as much as she is a service slut.

Weird? Possibly. I know a lot of people who combine the two effortlessly. I’m not one of those people.

I’ve been around the block too much to believe that D/s is the answer to all my prayers. I know that it’s kind of like the icing on a cake. You need to have strong foundations in your vanilla relationship first before you can even embark on a kinky one.


  • bookwormbell

    You is such a clever cookie. By which I mean I totally agree 100% with everything. So many of the same observations about new people (although I’m not terribly old or experienced myself). It’s like people take leave of their senses when they decide to start calling themselves kinky. Drives me nuts.

    • Sharn

      Thank you lovely and yes, I think that’s why we get along. We have the same thoughts in regards to a lot of things.

      And you’re right. It’s like people discover kink and their self awareness and common sense fly out the window and then they wonder why it all went pear shaped!

  • TK

    This is fascinating to me, probably because I’ve never thought too much about the complexities of these kinds of relationships. I always knew a ‘safe word’ was a thing, but everything else was new. I hope some of the girls who are new to BDSM are reading this. They should know that they don’t have to let themselves be abused just to be a submissive.

  • maurnas

    I believe everyone should have a safe word no matter what type of sexual relationship they have. Someone can claim to not understand a ‘no.’ But there is no mistaking a safe word. Especially since it forces you to have an actual conversation about it beforehand.

    • Sharn

      I’m not partial to safe words myself, usually because what a lot of people do in public is considered really light play for me which means that I have full use of my words and I do use them and what I do in private I only do with trusted friends I’ve been playing with for years.

      I do believe, however, that someone new to the lifestyle or who is playing casually with a lot of people should have safe words in place. If only because it means that there will be a universal go to if something goes pear shaped.

      When I am tying up a new bottom I’ll go through all the things to expect in a suspension or in bondage. I explain things that they shouldn’t feel (numbness, tingling, cramps, etc) and I’ll go through some basic rope safety as I question them about their health, injuries and what-not.

      I also clearly explain to my bottoms that I expect them to use their words, I will not read their body language because they will be tied up and suspended. I need them to verbalise.

      At no point do we discuss safe words because I don’t see the point in them within what I do. The only people I play with “in rope” are my wifey who is as masochistic as I am and a few others who I also know outside of me being mean to them in my ropes and we don’t use safe words – but we do use our english words to explain if there’s a problem.

      However at all stages of the pre-negotiation, explanations, etc I give credit to the person that I’m about to tie that they are an adult and will ask me anything if they aren’t sure and will vocalise to me if they are having a problem while I’m suspending them.

      My point? I don’t believe in safe words for myself with my sexual partner. I don’t need them. But I can see how they are handy for other’s and believe that if you feel you need one, then use it.

      But be self aware enough that you and your partner are able to communicate in some way if there is a problem of some kind.

  • Blossom Brouillard

    This is a great insight to a lifestyle I know very little about. Frankly, I hope a lot of the younger women you refer to, get a chance to see this. I think it could have a profound impact on their well being. Good for you Sharn!

    • Sharn

      Thank you 🙂

      It just scares me how flippant the younger generation are with what we do. There is no “safe” kinky activity. It’s all pushing buttons. Safety, as we know it, is more about awareness and understanding that is not an if something will go wrong. It’s when. And having contingency plans in place for that.

      The is no safety in getting tied up and suspended for example, or getting whipped. There are always risks and is about calculating what your boundaries own are and where your tops are.

      But yes, iI really hope it helps at least 1 person. If I can touch one I’ll be happy 🙂

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