Personal,  Relationships

LDR: Dirty talking assistance. Part 1.

Forgive me WP gods, it’s been 9 days since my last confession.


There’s a reason for this, I’ve been a bit hormonal introspective in regards to relationships, our efforts and where you draw the line in regards to giving.

In retrospect, I now know why I said long distance relationships are doomed to fail. Because you know how hard it is keeping a relationship going in the flesh? It’s millions times more harder when you add in distance.

It’s ok, Loki and I are still going strong. I think we’ve hit our first hurdle though. The whole keeping the sexual joy alive long distance.

I’m finding it really hard because he’s pretty easy to please. I need more than a quick video or photo. And I think he’s struggling with having to be vocal with his desires in order to help me achieve some level of “turning on” that’s going to facilitate his fun times. He’s never really done anything like dirty talking and finds the process intimidating as he’s scared of saying something that’s going to make me laugh at him – I think giggling during sex is a good thing obviously in this case it might not be… I’ve never really done this whole other country sexy times thing. It’s all so much easier in person when you can actually say, hey babes I’m feeling sooooooo toey and really want to have my lips around your cock as you slide off your clothes and crawl across the floor to unzip his pants… it’s ever so much harder when you have nothing but voice.

So the more he pushes me to send him pictures and video chat with him in a sexual way the more I dig in my heels and feel like I’m an unpaid hooker. Because that’s how I imagine sex workers feel when they are working. Having to “fake” it through their encounters, at least they are getting paid. I can’t even fake this shit so I don’t say anything and I don’t know what’s worse. I don’t mean to hurt his feelings but at the same time the last time he actually helped me get off was when I was in the states in March. Yet I feel like I’m putting in more effort than he is because I’ve done things that I’m not comfortable with or enjoying so that he can get off and now I just don’t want to anymore.

Am I being selfish?

I feel I am yet at the same time I feel justified in my selfishness. So with this in mind, I’ve been really hard pressed to write anything on here for fear of an emotional rant that came across as even more hurtful to him. Hurting him is not the aim here. Getting common ground so that we’re both getting our needs met is.

Since he reads this I’ve been hesitant to write… Hai Loki.

So dirty talk. Tips, tricks, what is your go to? Any websites that have helped?

I find the dirty talking thing a turn on because of the implied shaming that could be involved I think but I haven’t ever been with anyone that’s been that vocal during coitus. So I have no pointers to give. I can be vocal but that was mainly when I’m directing other people. So I have nothing to draw on here. And from what I gather he doesn’t either. I think he’s feeling frustrated and I’m feeling frustrated and we both get frustrated at each other because neither of us know where to go on this one.

I’ve tried doing searches for dirty talking tips and tricks and have come up with a wall of information that hasn’t really helped in any way. Google is great for searching, but trying to find a beginner’s guide is pretty hard.

Who knows, maybe after all this I might be able to write my own beginners guide to dirty talking…

But for now, I need help.



      • johnnyid

        You know, I’ll bet there is something like a romance novel thesaurus that would come in handy. The problem I have is I end up using all the same vocabulary. If I had a handy guide that would help a lot. Or maybe ordering some penthouse forums for ideas.

        • Sharn

          You know, I somehow don’t think penthouse is going to be gritty enough for me. A romance thesaurus? LOL Sign me up πŸ˜‰

          I don’t need floral words for cunt, cock, slut, whore, whatever.

          I guess I could totally write up a fantasy with dirty talk included but those things never seem to translate well to real life so I’ve not been writing up any of them lately…

          • johnnyid

            My Google-fu is strong today:

            Penthouse or other sex stories might be a good way to come up with ideas, figure out what’s hot and then make it yours/his.

            I don’t think it’s about floral words for cunt, cock, pussy, etc. It’s wondering how many different ways you can actually describe sex. She rode my cock. I pounded into her. We moved together… etc. We get faster, we get harder, we go deeper… etc.

            With the intro, some of the changes and the ending you can get kind of creative but the actual “meat” of the sex scene tends to get repetitive (at least when I’m doing one). Cock goes into pussy, then lots of thrusting/riding… keeping that from getting boring is a challenge.

          • Sharn

            Hmm I see your point. Although having to describe the pounding could also be something in the background and you could focus on other things, like pulling hair, slapping of various body parts… Pinching, biting, choking. Twisting an arm behind their back and growling how wet they, etc seemed to work with an ex. Trying to transfer that to non-personal interaction is harder I think.

            Yummy stuff πŸ˜‰

            I’ll have to have a geezer at that website when I get home. Can’t check it out at work. Is it an a-z of words?

          • johnnyid

            Makes sense, that would help keep things a little more interesting. Changing up the focus of the scene could be beneficial in a multitude of ways, not least of which to keep things less repetitive, it would also keep the partner more actively engaged.

            Yeah, that’s actually an interesting site that has words alphabetized and everything. Now, how useful it is would depend on the type of language that works for you, but at least it offers some options.

          • Sharn

            Yes, I think what Blossom said is important too. It’s sometimes not the actual act but the details of other things that you know your lover likes…

  • Expat Eye

    Ugh, I hate long distance – I lose interest after around 3 days. Sorry, not what you needed to hear, I”m sure! I’m also sucky and awkward at long-distance dirty talk – yeah, I shouldn’t really have bothered writing this comment… πŸ˜‰

  • Blossom Brouillard

    The floral words (love that word choice btw) I think eventually just become rhetoric. All that keeps coming to my mind is what Hitchcock said about a great scene. It’s not watching the bomb go off, but seeing the clock tick away the minutes wondering if it’s going to go off. Then again, I’m a theatre queen, so consider the source.

  • Phil Taylor

    You are and you’re not being selfish. What you want is not being selfish. Not telling your partner is, although you’ve now taken care of that with this post, and that’s good because Loki didn’t know what he didn’t know. Although honestly, posting it on your blog instead of telling is a bit selfish because you were afraid of his immediate real reaction I’m guessing. As for advice on talking I think it’s just like writing, and you’re good at that. Your last post was lengthy and in fantastic, living color detail. You painted a great mental picture of the whole party and all the events. You can do that with dirty talking. Just see in your head what you want and describe it out loud with every little detail. Don’t say “I want to do this to you.” Describe what you would do. An old writer’s credo is “Show, don’t tell.” Good luck. I’m looking forward to hear how it goes.

    • Sharn

      Thanks Phil, and about the whole being detailed – I was more asking to help give him ideas I guess. I honestly have no idea how to go about this at all.

      And from all we’ve discussed he doesn’t either hence why I thought about putting the question out into the ether to see if we got any pointers for us.

      We’d already discussed it, so this wasn’t a surprise to him. He had mentioned that he wasn’t comfortable with dirty talk and I was starting to feel a bit like what I wrote up there.

      We’re still talking about it so it’s really nice to hear everyone’s feedback πŸ™‚

      • Phil Taylor

        Oh, Im sorry. I guess I spoke without knowing all the details. I think picturing what you want in your head with a very detailed picture colors and all then describing the picture in very specific detail is a good way to go about it. Not that I would know of course because I’ve never done it ; )

        • Sharn

          It’s ok πŸ˜€

          I guess it’s just a matter of us trying to find some middle ground and him doing stuff he’s actually comfortable with instead of making him do something that’s going to cause him to back off totally and not want to do anything!

          Thanks though πŸ™‚

  • maurnas

    Men are the worst at this. I don’t get it. I’m apparently very good at it. Unfortunately, I rarely remember what I say.
    I’m happy if a man makes any noise at all. Moaning. Talking. Anything.
    The worst was this guy that didn’t make any noise at all. Even when he was finishing. He didn’t even warn me before it happened. It was like doing it in a library or a museum. Just weird silence.

    • Sharn

      So I’m gathering lol

      I find guys that don’t make a sound discombobulating. It’s just a bit unnerving and disturbing. Are you enjoying it? Is it boring? Would you rather watch paint dry? It’s all really weird because I’m really vocal when I’m having a good time so it’s really weird for me if they aren’t.

      Still, I guess like with anything in a relationship as hard as you find dirty talking it might end up being fun. At least I hope so. I’d hate to think we both couldn’t laugh about this!

  • suckabus

    I found dirty talking to be more about expressing something you or your partner desire, like your actual passions and fantasies that you might want to explore in a sense of reality, or just to explore in each others heads. I have found with a LDR if i didn’t focus on the physicality per se but rather the pure sexual mental enjoyment we could get from each other, everyone got their happy times.
    There isn’t really a right place to start…but also not a wrong place. Maybe he could start with reading some smutty erotica so he feels more comfortable talking out loud. Maybe you both can read smut to each other, or write smut for each other and read it out-loud and from the smut you will ad-lib and stuff will just happen and BAM OH MY GOD YOU GUYS ARE HAVING EPIC MENTALLY AWESOME SEXY TIMES!!

  • wholelottarosiee

    I send the boy naughty photos and vice versa. And we ‘text sex’ a lot. We haven’t come to the video chat sexy time yet and I’m gagging but he shares a damn room in Canada with his friend on the barracks so it’s a bloody nightmare. It’s not the same, but I absolutely feel your pain honey. Trying desperately to keep my sexual urges alive!

    • Sharn

      We don’t really text sex – maybe that’s something we can do as well…

      Yeah, it’s hard keeping the sexual urges alive, I hear you on that bit!

  • Aussa Lorens

    Aish. I hope things are working out! Not sure I have any advice….. I love some dirty texting or photos + videos but the actual talking? I’ve never done that over the phone. Hmmm…. you’ll have to research and investigate for all of us it seems.

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