I don’t know about you guys, but being someone’s everything is a lot of pressure that I refuse to take responsibility for.
You see, I don’t believe you can be everything to another person.
We all have our different things that keep us going. We like different things, we read different things, we share certain areas of our lives with people and we delight in learning about things that we never experienced before.
At least I do.
So Loki and I were having a conversation today and he hit on something that made me realise that I’m pretty adamant that I don’t want to be needed, I want to be wanted. I want to be with someone who realises that they can’t satisfy every single desire I have and that they are comfortable in themselves in realising this. Yet knowing that even though they can’t satisfy everything, that they can satisfy others and that is what matters. I’m kinky by nature, it’s not something I can repress, it’s not something I can ignore. I tried this once and had to break the heart of one of the loves of my life. It doesn’t work.
My biggest self achievement to date is knowing who I am. Being secure in my sexuality and not being ashamed of it. Yes I’ve slept with a lot of people. No, that doesn’t make me less of a person. Yes, I’m a sadistic masochist which means that I delight in hurting people and enjoy a good pain session myself.
Great sluts are made, not born. Self examination is always a good idea – and for we who are journeying without a map, having a clear picture of the internal landscape becomes essential.
― The Ethical Slut
I think the greatest thing is that I don’t mind talking about it. I think there’s a huge stigma around open and honest discussion about sex with your partner. For some reason it’s great as chips to be talking to your friends about it but when faced with explaining to your partner the thing that they think you like isn’t actually what you like… weeeeeeelllll there’s all kinds of emotions going on.
Fear, hurt, anger, inadequacy… to name a few. In no way shape or form are these emotions something to be ignored. Own them, express them but also give your partner the time to come to terms with what you are trying to express to them. Remember that it’s not you that your partner is faulting, but instead to try to think of it as something your partner is trying to enrich your sex life with. It’s not a test, it’s not a “my way is better”.. it’s not a pissing contest.
Our own feelings of embarrassment and fear of not hurting our partners means that there’s a lot of things going on in the bedroom that neither party might be enjoying but putting up with because they can’t seem to communicate it. Why does this cause embarrassment? Why should I feel ashamed if one day I turn around to my partner and say, You know what babe, some days I just love it when you throw my to my knees, grab me by the hair and facefuck me until you come down my throat while I’m gagging on your cock. Yet how many people do you know that have actually said that to their partner? What about, I love how you bend me over and fuck me, but how about putting a hand over my mouth at the same time? Or try using my hair as leverage, I love my hair pulled. Or choke me as you do it. It’s just so hot. All those things will get me off quicker than you can blink. But unless I tell my partner that there is no Book of Sharn-gasms to help them along.
Yet we all get shy, embarrassed and for some reason fear that we are going to get rejected by our partner for expressing these things. And you know what, some of that stuff might not be what they want or like to do, but they could come back with a compromise that will help you reach a middle ground where you are both comfortable with what’s going to happen and enjoy it a hell of a lot more.
If you can’t talk about sex, how can you think about it? The historical censorship of discussion about sex has left us with another disability: the act of talking about sex, of putting words to what we do in bed, has become difficult and embarrassing.
One consequence of all the difficulties people may encounter when they set out to enjoy is that , driven by nervousness, they may end up acting as if their objective was to get to orgasm as rapidly as possible, as if they were trying to get it over with. When sex becomes goal-orientated, we may focus on what gets us to orgasm to the exclusion of enjoying all the nifty sensations that come before (and, for that matter, after). When we ignore most of the good parts, we not only miss out on the good feelings, but we increase our chance of developing sexual dysfunction. And we have a lot less fun.
― The Ethical Slut
So then I guess it comes down to owning your own emotions and choices. Know that what you feel is due to you. Sometimes we hear something we think our partners are trying to say and go off the handle, we get upset, we get angry — we overreact. A great way to clarify what you think you heard is to repeat back what you think your partner just said. I find with communication between men and women it’s really hard. For I find that I say things, drawing from my experience and knowledge and when it’s translated to man speak it means something else entirely. Communication is so hard sometimes, so saying things very clearly and to the point is something I’m finding helps. I need to cut out using emoti-speak (emotional) and cut it down to logi-speak (logical) or at least say it in a way where it’s easily comprehensible without any mix up.
When you find yourself responding to someone else’s behaviour, it is easy to dwell on what they have done and how terrible it is and what exactly they should do to fix it. Instead, try looking at your own feelings as a true message about your internal state of being, and decide how you want to deal with whatever’s going on.
What you are not responsible for is your lover’s emotions. You can choose to be supportive – we’re great believers in the healing power of listening – but it is not your job to fix anything
― The Ethical Slut
Coming back to point though, my partner being my everything? It will never be.
There is no man or woman out there that is going to love piercing people, making people bleed, finger painting in their blood… they won’t like to cane and be caned. They won’t understand that a single tail might bring tears and blood, but it always also brings release. That the smell of jute rope as I undo my furoshiki makes my skin tingle and my senses to expand. To feel the rope sliding through my fingers as I wrap them around someone, to pull, to bite, to give them rope burns as they whimper fills my heart with joy to the point that sometimes I even need to stop and take a breath because my hands are shaking and I feel light-headed. These things, these things do not need to be sexual. They can be with someone who is fully clothed. Or naked. It can be with a friend or it can be with a lover.
The joy of my kinky lifestyle means that I get to choose which bits of my body people are allowed to get access to, to touch, to feel, to insert. I might be told to stand still and take every single slice of a single tail even though I’m not tied up. The mental bondage involved in this makes the whole thing even better for me. To be held in place because that’s what is wanted, even when my body is screaming for me to run and hide, to stop the pain. I find it intoxicating. Is it sexual? No, generally with these things I have my underwear on and the person on the other end of the single tail or whatever implement of pain/pleasure has all their clothes on. There’s no penis in vagina. There’s no hand in pants, there’s nothing sex based happening. It’s all about the give and take, the dominance, the submission into what’s being dished out. Taking it, transforming it, releasing it. It’s about centering myself.
“If you don’t get what you want, you suffer; if you get what you don’t want, you suffer; even when you get exactly what you want, you still suffer because you can’t hold on to it forever.”
― Dan Millman, Way of the Peaceful Warrior: A Book That Changes Lives
Can it be about sex? Sure thing. It totally can be. In a private setting, at home, in bed, in the living room. But most 95% of the time I play, it’s in a public venue, it’s at a play party or it’s at a friend’s house. Dynamics shift depending on the people around. Always has always will. When I did shows at Hellfire there was nothing there but the S&M and I think I prefer my pain play to continue like that.
Unless I’m in the bedroom with my partner — then I’d love for it to evolve into something that we both find stimulating and fulfilling.
But my partner being able to supply all that plus everything else in my life?
It’s just not fair to ask it of someone. Because they will always fail and to cause someone you love an insecurity that they don’t need is the cruelest form of punishment.