I’m not sure if you guys are aware but tomorrow is Mental Health Day – Friday 10th October. So in support of this I’m going to write about my issues centring around depression and health.
This year has been a bit of a rough ride for me. I went through my first bout of depression when one of my friends committed suicide and I broke up with my ex girlfriend.
This year I got dumped via text message because he was too scared to try. I found out the reason I seem to be piling on the weight even though I’m eating right and exercising didn’t have to do with me, but because my ovaries and PCOS has decided that I need another round of fucking up my life with insulin resistance. My blood sugar is so high that 1 more point and I’m diabetic. Yes, remind me to thank you ovaries again, for fucking my life over in so many nice ways. I’m on tablets I take daily, I started them 3 days ago. I’ve lost 3 kilo’s in 3 days. I’m on my way back, but the urge to run and hide is like a drug to me at the moment.
I can’t figure out if I’m currently agoraphobic because I’m depressed or I’m agoraphobic because I just don’t want to go out.
If only I could lose the big black cloud that’s currently circling my head because let me tell you something; knowing that you’re doing all the right things and your body isn’t doing what it’s meant to is a real kick in the cunt. I’ve rejoined the gym up the road so that I don’t have to avoid going for a run because it’s raining any more. My membership starts tomorrow and I can’t wait to get back into it. Also the fact that I can’t seem to find a man worth of even a cup of coffee and some talk is super depressing. Am I going to be alone forever? Should I get some more cats to counteract this?
I’m off to see my GP this weekend to get a referral to see a psychologist. Because in Australia you can get 10 free visits to a shrink for free under our health system. I’m going to make use of it, because I know what she’s going to say to me when I’m back on that couch. But sometimes I need to hear it from someone else that isn’t a friend or family. Sometimes I need to hear that anyone, given the circumstances would feel the same. I need to hear that I’m not crazy and that I will be ok. Soon.
Health wise I feel like I have taken back some control of my life. Things are going back the way the need to be. In a months time I go and get my insulin levels checked again and hopefully, hopefully they are climbing down. And with them my weight and my depression.
Relationship wise I’ve made some pretty interesting self discoveries.
This year I’ve slept with just 1 person. In the last 3 years I’ve slept with 2 people.
I know, unbelievable right? Right.
It’s not because I don’t like sex. I love sex. So very very much. As all my earlier posts on my sexual shenanigans shows.
It’s because casual sex with people isn’t giving me what I need. It’s a pathway for me to fall into relationships with people who I have no business having a relationship with. We don’t want the same things, we don’t even like the same things. And casual sex just doesn’t fill the hole in my soul that wants someone to connect on a deeper level with.
It’s been a bloody lonely year. Me without sex is depressing. I’m depressing. Getting laid is like a charge for me. You plug-in your electronics to charge them, sex does the same thing for me. I feel alive after a good sex session. Without sex I fall into a space where I’m not even sure of myself. Let alone the world out there.
So this year without sex I’ve been soul-searching. I’ve been navel gazing and I’ve come to some conclusions.
What I want and need from any future partner: no quarters given, no accepting red flags that go against my core beliefs and feelings.
That they are self-possessed. They know what they want, they know who they are, they aren’t afraid to spank my ass and they help me rebuild the pieces when I inevitably break myself.
That they have a kinky streak. This is non-negotiable. It is a must have.
That they are self-sufficient. I don’t want to be their one and only everything. I need to know that they can function without me and that I’m like the icing on the cake. The bonus level after they’ve finished a game.
They need to be independent. Nothing turns me off as quick as co-dependency. I want them to have their own friends, I want them to go out without me and do things without me. I encourage it, hell I will bug them to do it even.
That they are articulate. Communication is a big thing. If they can’t communicate, we can’t bump squishy bits.
That my zeal for life doesn’t scare them nor does that I love travelling a lot. I’ve been told I’m scary because of my confidence and the way I relate to people with ease. I don’t get it but whatever.
Patient. Because heavens know that I’m a bit crazy. I have issues making myself vulnerable. I hate asking for things because I believe I’m being an inconvenience. They’ll need to coax it out of me sometimes. I apologise but these are my daddy issues. I have a fear that I’m not worthy of anyone’s love because if my father couldn’t love me and left so why would anyone else? So I accept what they give with grace and humility, I give just as much back if not more, but opening myself is a whole other ball game and one they’ll need to work with me with.
Be warped. I’m a special brand of crazy. It would be nice if they had their own brand of crazy too and that it complimented my brand of crazy.
Be open to having a non-conventional relationship. I have no issues being monogamous, but if you date a bi girl, you need to realise that there are some itches that I need the other sex to scratch. Whether that means they get included in the activities or not, that’s entire up to them and obviously discussions centring around this. I also have no issues being open. I just can’t be closed 100% for the rest of my life.
My cat is my family. If you don’t like animals, I will not date you.
Yet to date, there’s been no one, not one single man who has ticked these boxes. If anything I keep coming across crazies. And the guy from the last post? I ended up telling him he was rape culture personified. He didn’t take that too well. All I have to say to that is, FUCK YOU.
I crave sex like a vampire craves blood. I want it, I need it, it flows through me… this desire and ache. Yet I deny myself. And break my Hitachi’s…. For what?
For something more. Because I’m worth it. But this loneliness is all-encompassing sometimes. Yet other times it’s like a dear departed friend. A girlfriend mentioned over the weekend that she’s forgotten how to socialise in large groups because she doesn’t like going out most times. I counteracted with its not the large groups you have forgotten to socialise with, it’s that most of the people there aren’t worth talking to – is it just me? Do I find talking to relative strangers trying at the best of times? Sometimes you find some gems, don’t get me wrong. I love meeting new and interesting people, I love travelling on my own and this means I have to like talking to people and I do but most people it seems don’t give off that spark that draws me to them like a moth to a flame. In a world of electronic attachments are we losing the way of being around other’s?
Maybe it is just me. I love socialising yet I hate it. I love large crowds yet I hate them. I love going out yet I hate it. I’m such an introverted extrovert I confuse myself.
I’d kill to get laid with some emotional substance.
And one day, maybe one day, I can get rid of these doldrums. Just remember that sometimes, as dark as those clouds get, you aren’t alone and we are all battling our demons. In whatever form they may be. So if you need help, please please please reach out.
Mental health awareness contacts:
Mental Health Day Website: https://1010.org.au/
Beyond Blue: www.beyondblue.org.au/
Mental Health Association NSW: http://www.mentalhealth.asn.au/
And for the queer kids and adults out there: TwentyTen: http://www.twenty10.org.au/contact-us
Mental Health Hotline (Australia only): 24/7 help: 1800 011 511