Blogging,  Dating,  Personal

Mental Health Week

I’m not sure if you guys are aware but tomorrow is Mental Health DayFriday 10th October. So in support of this I’m going to write about my issues centring around depression and health.

This year has been a bit of a rough ride for me. I went through my first bout of depression when one of my friends committed suicide and I broke up with my ex girlfriend.

This year I got dumped via text message because he was too scared to try. I found out the reason I seem to be piling on the weight even though I’m eating right and exercising didn’t have to do with me, but because my ovaries and PCOS has decided that I need another round of fucking up my life with insulin resistance. My blood sugar is so high that 1 more point and I’m diabetic. Yes, remind me to thank you ovaries again, for fucking my life over in so many nice ways. I’m on tablets I take daily, I started them 3 days ago. I’ve lost 3 kilo’s in 3 days. I’m on my way back, but the urge to run and hide is like a drug to me at the moment.

I can’t figure out if I’m currently agoraphobic because I’m depressed or I’m agoraphobic because I just don’t want to go out.

If only I could lose the big black cloud that’s currently circling my head because let me tell you something; knowing that you’re doing all the right things and your body isn’t doing what it’s meant to is a real kick in the cunt. I’ve rejoined the gym up the road so that I don’t have to avoid going for a run because it’s raining any more. My membership starts tomorrow and I can’t wait to get back into it. Also the fact that I can’t seem to find a man worth of even a cup of coffee and some talk is super depressing. Am I going to be alone forever? Should I get some more cats to counteract this?

I’m off to see my GP this weekend to get a referral to see a psychologist. Because in Australia you can get 10 free visits to a shrink for free under our health system. I’m going to make use of it, because I know what she’s going to say to me when I’m back on that couch. But sometimes I need to hear it from someone else that isn’t a friend or family. Sometimes I need to hear that anyone, given the circumstances would feel the same. I need to hear that I’m not crazy and that I will be ok. Soon.

Health wise I feel like I have taken back some control of my life. Things are going back the way the need to be. In a months time I go and get my insulin levels checked again and hopefully, hopefully they are climbing down. And with them my weight and my depression.

Relationship wise I’ve made some pretty interesting self discoveries.

This year I’ve slept with just 1 person. In the last 3 years I’ve slept with 2 people.

I know, unbelievable right? Right.

It’s not because I don’t like sex. I love sex. So very very much. As all my earlier posts on my sexual shenanigans shows.

It’s because casual sex with people isn’t giving me what I need. It’s a pathway for me to fall into relationships with people who I have no business having a relationship with. We don’t want the same things, we don’t even like the same things. And casual sex just doesn’t fill the hole in my soul that wants someone to connect on a deeper level with.

It’s been a bloody lonely year. Me without sex is depressing. I’m depressing. Getting laid is like a charge for me. You plug-in your electronics to charge them, sex does the same thing for me. I feel alive after a good sex session. Without sex I fall into a space where I’m not even sure of myself. Let alone the world out there.

So this year without sex I’ve been soul-searching. I’ve been navel gazing and I’ve come to some conclusions.

What I want and need from any future partner: no quarters given, no accepting red flags that go against my core beliefs and feelings.

  1. That they are self-possessed. They know what they want, they know who they are, they aren’t afraid to spank my ass and they help me rebuild the pieces when I inevitably break myself.
  2. That they have a kinky streak. This is non-negotiable. It is a must have.
  3. That they are self-sufficient. I don’t want to be their one and only everything. I need to know that they can function without me and that I’m like the icing on the cake. The bonus level after they’ve finished a game.
  4. They need to be independent. Nothing turns me off as quick as co-dependency. I want them to have their own friends, I want them to go out without me and do things without me. I encourage it, hell I will bug them to do it even.
  5. That they are articulate. Communication is a big thing. If they can’t communicate, we can’t bump squishy bits.
  6. That my zeal for life doesn’t scare them nor does that I love travelling a lot. I’ve been told I’m scary because of my confidence and the way I relate to people with ease. I don’t get it but whatever.
  7. Patient. Because heavens know that I’m a bit crazy. I have issues making myself vulnerable. I hate asking for things because I believe I’m being an inconvenience. They’ll need to coax it out of me sometimes. I apologise but these are my daddy issues. I have a fear that I’m not worthy of anyone’s love because if my father couldn’t love me and left so why would anyone else? So I accept what they give with grace and humility, I give just as much back if not more, but opening myself is a whole other ball game and one they’ll need to work with me with.
  8. Be warped. I’m a special brand of crazy. It would be nice if they had their own brand of crazy too and that it complimented my brand of crazy.
  9. Be open to having a non-conventional relationship. I have no issues being monogamous, but if you date a bi girl, you need to realise that there are some itches that I need the other sex to scratch. Whether that means they get included in the activities or not, that’s entire up to them and obviously discussions centring around this. I also have no issues being open. I just can’t be closed 100% for the rest of my life.
  10. My cat is my family. If you don’t like animals, I will not date you.

Yet to date, there’s been no one, not one single man who has ticked these boxes. If anything I keep coming across crazies. And the guy from the last post? I ended up telling him he was rape culture personified. He didn’t take that too well. All I have to say to that is, FUCK YOU.

I crave sex like a vampire craves blood. I want it, I need it, it flows through me… this desire and ache. Yet I deny myself. And break my Hitachi’s…. For what?

For something more. Because I’m worth it. But this loneliness is all-encompassing sometimes. Yet other times it’s like a dear departed friend. A girlfriend mentioned over the weekend that she’s forgotten how to socialise in large groups because she doesn’t like going out most times. I counteracted with its not the large groups you have forgotten to socialise with, it’s that most of the people there aren’t worth talking to – is it just me? Do I find talking to relative strangers trying at the best of times? Sometimes you find some gems, don’t get me wrong. I love meeting new and interesting people, I love travelling on my own and this means I have to like talking to people and I do but most people it seems don’t give off that spark that draws me to them like a moth to a flame. In a world of electronic attachments are we losing the way of being around other’s?

Maybe it is just me. I love socialising yet I hate it. I love large crowds yet I hate them. I love going out yet I hate it. I’m such an introverted extrovert I confuse myself.

Ultimately though?

I’d kill to get laid with some emotional substance.

And one day, maybe one day, I can get rid of these doldrums. Just remember that sometimes, as dark as those clouds get, you aren’t alone and we are all battling our demons. In whatever form they may be. So if you need help, please please please reach out.


Mental health awareness contacts:

 

Mental Health Day Website: https://1010.org.au/

Beyond Blue: www.beyondblue.org.au/

Mental Health Association NSW:  http://www.mentalhealth.asn.au/

And for the queer kids and adults out there: TwentyTen:  http://www.twenty10.org.au/contact-us

 

Mental Health Hotline (Australia only): 24/7 help:  1800 011 511

23 Comments

  • vagabondurges

    Utterly gorgeous post, on every level. Inspirational honesty, just the right amount of self-examination, and tangible personality. Only the best wishes on all fronts, and as someone who is not family: hells no, you’re not crazy for having a rough patch! If you are, then I’m completely screwed too. (Well, at least it would be an entertaining loony bin.) Salud!

    • Sharn

      Thank you so very much 🙂

      I think we each have our own brand of crazy that makes us all unique little snowflakes, and that’s a good thing!

      If the looney bin is going to be anything like how I imagine my retirement village is going to be like, then I say bring it on 😉

  • divorcedandsingleblog

    Reading some of your earlier posts I didn’t think for one second that you have health and mental issues. It’s a very brave post. Well done.
    As to the sex. After my last bf left for Germany I promised myself I wouldn’t have sex for a while. Well..that lasted a month. Now, I am sleeping with someone I don’t really like very much. Yes, he has a nice body and all, but there’s no connection….I am questioning my motives…But I do need and want sex so badly.

    • Sharn

      Thank you.

      It just goes to show that mental health issues really kick us all around.

      I need and want sex badly too. I just don’t need or want crap sex with someone mediocre because they are there and it was a good idea at the time. If they aren’t doing it for me I have a vibrator 🙂

  • Warm Creme

    Sharn,

    I am certain that Mr. Warm Creme either didn’t see this post or he was too ashamed to comment. He struggled with depression that is fueled by combat – related PTSD. That went on for nearly 20 years. He put on a lot of weight (200lbs) and was slowly killing himself with poor eating habits and not exercising. He contemplated suicide. It was hard for him and us for a long time. He was severely introverted yet people had no idea.

    He got help. Finally. Five years ago, he got his depression under control, now only dealing with short bouts (brought on sometimes by my moody behavior) and we get through it. He got motivated to live healthy and return to his physically fit self.he lost the weight. His bicycle is his shrink (mind and body). I have the man that I fell in love (and LUST) with. He is in the best shape of his life (yay!) and I know that he is going to be here for a long time. The sex is amazing now because so much has changed inside him and me!

    I wanted to tell you this as he fits YOUR listed criteria (almost) to a tee (he’s mine !). I am telling you this because I know that there are more men like him including yours. You will find each other!

    All the best to you!

    Mrs. WC

    • Sharn

      Thank you for your comment.

      I think it’s something that really does need to be talked about more often. Only then will it not be something to be hidden away because asking for help is so hard and it’s already such a downward spiral once you’re in it.

      I’m glad that he clawed his way out, for many that’s not an option and that breaks my heart. I know my own battles have been intermittent but they are my own. But I do agree that changing what’s inside is important and I’m glad that you guys are at such an amazing part of your relationship.

      I’m not going to hold my breath to find one, trust me on that 🙂 I’m just going to keep experiencing my life as it comes and whatever happens happens! That’s just my list so that I have a reminder of next time I decide to have a relationship. All of those things or no relationship. Easy! Plus, it might be a woman which would suit me to a T at the moment. I’m starting to get sick of men!

      Thanks again for taking the time to write 🙂

      • Warm Creme

        I have never been in your shoes, so I have nothing for you to convince you not to toss all men out because of a few losers. My husband has two really good friends who are on your same page but on the flip side. They have been abused and hurt by some really awful women. One of these guys is like a brother to me, so I know how much of a good man he is. If (God forbid) something happened to Mr. WC, I can easily see him as a man I could be with. But he has been shat upon countless times. I have met the women…All of them…and I could see these situations coming before anyone.

        The problem isn’t you. It isn’t all men. It isn’t all women.

        You will find the right person. It could be someone so amazing that you find that your list is way too restrictive and limits you considerably.

        • Sharn

          It’s ok, I toss out men for a few years and then find I miss them anyway after being with just women.

          I just need to find myself a nice triad somewhere and live happily ever after. Or a bi girl who is happy to go on a man hunt every so often. Or a bi boy who gets the draw that I have to also date a woman at the same time because he’ll have the same draw to date a man. Or something that makes everyone happy on all levels! I don’t know. But in the meantime I’m just going to focus on me and getting to Burning Man next year and blog visits to other bloggers. Someone owes me a cup of tea & a trip to Folsom!

          There’s a lot of horrible people out there that do hurt you a lot, I seem to have dated most of them! Granted my latest ex isn’t that bad, but he also was like an immovable object on certain things which didn’t help.

          Logically I know it’s not me or everyone else. Logically it all makes sense, emotionally is another matter entirely 🙂

          My list is just a basic guideline, those are must haves… anything else is a bonus. And that’s what I’ve taken from my multitude of relationships to date. I need those to be happy in a relationship.

          I’m not out hunting for a date desperately. I actually don’t have time to date regularly anyway. And as soon as I finish my degree I’m moving from Sydney so I’m in a bit of a limbo state which is giving me time to work on myself which I have no problems with!

          • Warm Creme

            Yep. You’re doing fine! You’re going to Burning Man? Mr. WC has talked about going someday. One of his mates from the military has been going for years and has been trying to get him to pop down for it.

            Moving from Sydney? Do you know where to?

          • Sharn

            Yeah, that’s totally dependant on whether I get my ticket that is!

            I have my Vegas boyfriend who wants me to camp with them, so I may do that. It would be my virgin burn and after reading about all the various things that go on I think I’d fit right in and a week of soul cleansing is a good thing 🙂

            Not really, depends on where I can get a job. Anywhere that’s not Australia! I’d probably be looking at Canadia or America to be honest. But will see what’s on the table!

          • Warm Creme

            Yeah…a little hedonistic at BM, eh?

            Vegas boyfriend? Does he meet the above criteria? 😉

            Mr. WC has a huge Canadian family contingent and we’re there (B.C.) all the time. We love it!

          • Sharn

            Actually entirely the opposite of hedonistic to be honest 🙂 There’s a lot more to BM than running around naked and fucking everyone! And if that’s some people’s cup of tea, that’s awesome, I just won’t be one of them lol

            Actually he does, plus a few others that I didn’t think I’d find in any guy – I’m talking about Scotty from my previous blog posts. I dated him when I first went stateside. Ours is a convoluted and long story that’s scattered through my blog. And he just made me an offer that I’m seriously considering which I haven’t written about because.. well I’m not ready to share that yet. I call him my boyfriend but I don’t know what else to call him lol Friend doesn’t quite fit the bill. I haven’t seen him in 3 years but we still click and talk often. If it was up to him I’d be moving to Vegas 🙂

          • Warm Creme

            Well, I do know that it can be a drunken bash and yes, there are plenty of opportunities to fuck one’s brains out. So, perhaps I must keep Mr. WC from the temptation. 😐 I have no doubts that he’d be seduced with his guard down from all the drinking. Maybe not, but…

            See? Scotty might negate your latest post! 😀 I feel like you’re going to be fine. You don’t have time for anything serious, so if you can get your base-level sexual needs met and be surrounded by good friends, you can weather the time.

          • Sharn

            Well at some point you have to trust your partner. I’m sure he wouldn’t do anything to jeopardise what you have. From what I’ve read it’s not just a drunken orgy, it’s the spiritual aspect that draws me. Not the physical. Granted I can’t wait to face my ass off and do yoga in the middle of a desert with heaps of others!

            It’s not quite that easy with Scotty. If I was living there it might be. But there’s more to that story than I’ve written so far. So I may need to write the rest soon.

            I’m not actually after casual sex at all. I want substance. And in order to get substance I need more emotionally. So not sure how that’s going to play out. Who knows 🙂

          • Warm Creme

            It is clear from your post that you want more and you should pursue this with as much vigor and caution as is necessary.

            I do trust my love! I trust him implicitly. I don’t trust other women. He has been hit on – seriously flirted with – with me standing WITH him. He doesn’t see that they are doing it. They practically throw themselves at him. I am conflicted because it makes me feel good to know that he is mine and that other women desire him. But it drives me to anger when they (appear) to pursue him in my presence.

            Relationships aren’t easy. Our 30+ years together has been work but it is rewarding. I have hurt him and tried to push him away when I struggled with issues. I have literally tried to challenge him to leave me. I am the one who has abused him (physically on one occasion). He loves me and is so even keeled. He walks through my issues…all of this with his own problems. Go figure!

            You are such a wonderful person! Mr. WC is so right about that!

          • Sharn

            That’s meant to be dance, not face my arse off lol damn auto correct!

            From what I can tell it takes two to tango. I don’t think you have anything to fear from Mr. WC in the least 🙂 There is no way he would jeopardise your relationship that way. Women can throw themselves at him all they want! Plus, many women will back off when you actually say you aren’t interested. At least that’s what I’ve found! And those that do I’m sure will be sorely disappointed.

            Thank you 🙂

  • Julie Butler Chanteuse

    Sharn, I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through all this crap! What an amazing post. For starters, I wonder if you have any idea how much you inspire the rest of us with your honesty.

    As for the diabetes thing, my son is a type 1 diabetic and has been for 22 years. I know that when his blood sugar is high he gets depressed. Think about it there sugar coursing through your veins it’s going to mess with your head until things stabilize.

    That’s not to diminish all the crap that you’ve been through the past year. Anyone would be depressed, unless of course they were brain dead. But I promise it will get much better when your blood sugar stabilize and you feel better physically.

    I understand where you’re at worth the introvert/extrovert thing. I’m the same way. It’s a weird and often annoying dynamic, because people usually don’t get it.

    As for sex, I get that as well. I only wish I could have made all those points as eloquently as you have. I have no desire for meaningless sex anymore. It’s pointless. Oddly enough I was talking to a friend about this just the other night who is 20+ years younger than me. We were discussing the phenomenon of lesbians who were formerly supposedly straight women and how they jumped ship by default. I made the point that I can’t think of a single gay male friend of mine who became gay because women pissed him off! 🙂

    James made the point that sex is not as cerebral for men as it is for women. At least it certainly doesn’t have to be. Boy you is that the truth!

    On the plus side? You just created an amazing list of what you want in a partner! Not only is the list brave and dazzling, it’s succinct and to the point! I think that means you’re halfway there. In order to get what you want you have to know what you want. I don’t think I’m in any position to make that kind of a list. So kudos to you! I really hope he finds you!!! You sure as Jeep deserve to be found. You are one of the coolest, most intelligent, compassionate and interesting women I’ve never met. 😉

    You’re gonna be OK. Just try to hang in there and be grateful that you don’t have some douchebag making your life hell right now. A lot of women do have that. The grass is always greener, until it isn’t. 🙂

    You’re in my thoughts. 🙂

    Night.

    • Sharn

      Thanks Julie, but as they say, we go through shit to get stronger no? I’m sorry to hear your son has diabetes 🙁 although it’s nice to know that the high sugar is causing me to feel depressed. I just can’t wait to get rid of it so that I’m back to some semblance of normal!

      Yeah it’s really hard being an introverted extrovert. Actually all the lesbians I know haven’t gone from men to women 🙂 they’ve never been with men and I was the same till I fell in love with a man accidentally at age 20 😉

      But thank you <3

      It helps when I have a list of things that are the basics.

      Heres to hoping that we both find what we're looking for!

      S xx

  • BerLinda

    Ugh, sounds like you’ve got a lot to deal with right now. Poor you. But you’re strong – you’ll get through it. And the right person is out there somewhere! (Hopefully for me too – I have so much awesome to share) 😉

  • Evie the Rabbit

    You are tough and beautiful. It sounds like it’s been a shitty year for you, but there is a lot of resolve and energy in your post. Sometimes you just need to let the depression run it’s course and there’s not much you can do except wait. – Uh, maybe you should ignore that advice. I generally only deal with short bouts of it. Regardless, you are working to fix the situation, and that is a long way towards “okay.”

    I’m intrigued by this Scotty fella you have been talking to Warm Creme about. Sounds like there is potential for something meaningful and lovely there, although it would take a lot to make it happen.

    Have you thought about finding a cuddle buddy? I know you’re talking about sex above, but it sounds a little bit like you’re craving touch with someone you trust and can be safe with. I get “skin hunger” sometimes where I just want to be petted, and sex sometimes gets wrapped up in that. Maybe schedule a night with a friend where you cuddle and massage and pet?

    Anyway, I’ll stop trying to fix you. I appreciate your honest and brave words, and hope things improve soon.

    • Sharn

      Lol bless Evie.

      Thank you, for taking the time to write your words. I think a cuddle buddy or skin on skin contact person would be awesome. Except like you that inevitably always leads to sex for me. I can’t help it. Touching in some places makes my clothes fall off.

      Scotty and I have a really convoluted relationship. I don’t k ow what to make of it so mostly I don’t make anything. I really am going to have to write a post about it. Maybe some feedback would be good.

      Thank you sweet thing. I am definitely on the road back. I can feel it in my panties.

      Love xx

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