Dating to FWB Contention – the petri dish experiments

Being that I already have a profile on OKC – I thought it was fair to adjust it to that it outlined exactly what I was after.

Which isn’t a boyfriend. Or a partner or a full-time lover. I changed to state that I want a FWB type arrangement with someone who is kinky, not heteronormative and open. I want someone who I can cuddle up to a night or two a week, shag, talk, go to dinner, etc and then have the rest of the week as my own.

I suddenly got an influx of even more mail, from children as young as 19Β when I clearly have on my profile that I don’t want anyone contacting me that isn’t above 30. My previous post about the perils of internet dating had me screaming that I was going to ignore emails from people who just didn’t fit my requirements. And I have stuck to that. Which leads me to wonder why these guys even bother? I can only assume that they don’t read my profile. I don’t beat about the bush on my list of requirements so I don’t understand how they can seem to confused and surprised when I say no to the ones I do write back to.

There was one who was slightly interesting, only because he was furry, tall, tattooed and wasn’t a local. But then he said he’s only here for a few more months which basically I said no to because I don’t want a few months. I want someone longer term who can tick the boxes and be around for a while since I don’t think I’ll be going anywhere for a while so that we have a mutual benefit arrangement and I don’t have to go through this nightmare again.

Suffice to say the bombardment hasn’t gotten any easier. I just ignore a lot more mails now than before and that makes it somewhat easy.

My other gripe is that I do have options, however these options have been compromised.

What the fuck am I on about? Let me explain. The kinky scene in Sydney is so tiny that everyone knows one another and most of them are in open relationships which means they’ve literally already fucked each other too. Which really isn’t that much of a problem, it just means that I don’t want to sleep with them. Which limits my pool considerably because I have this squick that I get from the petri dish-esque sharing.


Do I have a problem with sharing? Hell no, I just don’t want to dive into the pool of … well.. shared-ness. Which is why I look outside of the scene. It’s why I stretch myself out to find people who haven’t been shared around like an apple pie with everyone I know. I don’t want to compare notes on people, or find out their sexual quirks from my friends and acquaintances. It’s just not my thing.

So when I mentioned the guy that had found me on OKC that I’d had the previous threesome with to my housemate, she immediately found him and messaged him on OKC. The problem being that now that she’s gone there, I can’t go there with him. It effectively rules him out as a FWB.

Am I being fussy?Β Am I the only one that gets squicked out by this interconnectedness?

In the meantime I’m focusing on my fussy self instead.


  • xs2rahulz

    I guess its more to do with choices , I guess you need some one who is not local , Try mentioning that on your profile , You might get less emails but may fit your criterion ! Cheers !
    No you aint Fussy , I guess you are plain choosy !

      • xs2rahulz

        I guess the surprise part may be good , He might have some things which you wont know , which will add to the can always transform him to being a local in the mean time.I guess worth the effort.

          • xs2rahulz

            what I meant is may be he will give you surprises out of your expectation which locals might not be able to give you.Like some new humor or may be some new ways of impressing you.
            He might surprise you in bed or in humor or in culture or in many other ways !

          • Sharn

            Who? There is no guy.

            I have no idea who you are referring to and no, I don’t want someone who doesn’t live in Sydney. There is no point for me to even bother with someone who is leaving town in 2 months. I may as well go back to fucking anything if that’s the case and I clearly do not want to.

            Ps. The day a guy surprises me in bed with something I don’t know is a day that will never happen πŸ™‚

          • xs2rahulz

            I said because your profile might lead now to 100 of requests ! you have to filter out the best on your own.And that’s(looks like) very very tiring.BUt hard work pays off ! all the best and no you aint that fussy !

          • Sharn

            My profile is very specific about what I want.

            Don’t think that I’m a shy wallflower that can’t express my needs. Men don’t read. That’s not my problem though it’s theirs.

          • noyoupay

            Just come to Portland! There’s always someone who will surprise you if you’re open to it. If you’re bored, I’ll hook you up with the cop. I guarantee this one won’t bore you! πŸ˜‰

  • divorcedandsingleblog

    Do you think that maybe those 30 year + guys that are on OKC might be looking for some stable relationships? It’s that age when men want to have relationships. Younger guys are always up for experimenting and having fun.
    Your kinky dating scene in Sydney sounds like the general dating world in Chiang Mai. It is hard to find a guy from OKC who hasn’t dated my other friends…

  • ramblingg0at

    I’m totally into the mindset of sharing is caring. I couldn’t care less who the person has been with so long as they’re ticking all the ‘awesome fwb’ boxes πŸ™‚

    Getting a good fwb and good sex is more important to me than the possibility of awkward convos with friends. My whole life is awkward, its just killed whatever shame I had and refuses to let me grow more! Haha

    Ps. Aren’t we all connected with 6(ish) degrees of separation?!

    • Sharn

      I think there’s a mindset of sharing is caring, which I don’t have an issue with when it’s not sharing with the rest of the Sydney Scene. Which is why I have the indicator that I’m rather happy to find someone in an open relationship already.

      I do, however, have an issue with sharing with people that I live with and see every other week. Most of the people in the Sydney scene kinda make me feel a bit gross to be honest. And so begins the whole it squicking me out thing. I don’t give a shit if they fuck other people, it’s a different ball game when it becomes everyone I know though πŸ˜‰

      I just can’t dive into the petri dish! Kudos if you can though!

      I think we differ a bit there. Getting a good FWB and sex doesn’t sit above my squick factor. I’m really happy to wait for someone who hasn’t done everyone else I know in passing. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve shared lots of people with my close friends, hell we used to have parties where there was a lot of nudity, sex and kinky shit going on all over the place, I don’t have shame in that way at all, infact I do believe I lost it when my best friend and I went on a sexual rampage together before he left to go overseas πŸ˜‰

      That’s beside the point though, those are people I find sexually enticing and I love them because they are my close friends. The rest of the Sydney scene does not fall into the same category.

      I think for me it comes down to the fact that I like keeping things separate. I don’t like being part of the scene for a reason, finding a FWB that fits my needs means that they will also need to be outside of the scene.

      The thing is, I always have old play buddies that I can call on, but Daddy isn’t allowed to shag anyone else and so he’s just there to hurt me. But apart from that I want someone to snuggle every so often. However it’s not a race, I don’t need someone right now because I have to have someone. Sex is not the only thing on my mind and I know I’ll be getting out of this world sex when I get back to the States next year.

      So am I fussed? No, not really. This isn’t a race for me. Whether I find someone or not is really not that important πŸ™‚

      If I do, great. If I don’t? I have a fuck load of James Deen porn that will keep me going for a lifetime πŸ˜‰

  • Ann St. Vincent

    First of all, I think it’s funny that you and I both posted today with “FWB” in the title.

    Second, I DEFINITELY don’t want to share…there have been a few times where I’ve thought I’d pass someone on to a friend and then just don’t want to do that. Ugh.

    I think men don’t read, or don’t read closely…or don’t take you seriously. I had in my profile that I absolutely didn’t want to be involved with a married man. One contacted me and said he didn’t think I was serious. Sheesh.

    • Sharn

      You know, the whole FWB thing must be in the air πŸ˜€

      I don’t have a problem with sharing as in a threesomes or with someone outside my friend circle, I think you may differ there, more the fact that it’s just this whole interconnected thing and I don’t really want to shag someone that everyone I know has already shagged. I want someone that’s outside the circle. I don’t really care if they join it afterwards lol just not with me though.

      But I totally agree with the sentiment that men do not read. At all. Δ° honestly think that they have this ego where they think if they message you you’ll have to give them a shot even if you’ve clearly said to not bother.

      I think it’s like that guy that said he doesn’t take no for an answer and reminds of the patriarchy. You will bend to my will because I am man bullshit. If anything it just pisses me off πŸ˜‰

      • Ann St. Vincent


        The guy I referenced actually said “well I didn’t think you were serious’…which to me just meant that he wouldn’t take me seriously. But oh, yeah, please…let me date you?


        • Sharn

          Not serious. What the hell kind of crap is that? Why would you make up stuff for men to contradict on your profile?

          I find the whole thing really just tiresome to be honest. I don’t have the energy to put into it.

          Which probably also means I’m not looking very hard at all.

          • Ann St. Vincent

            Well, I completely understand that. I’m so wiped out from all the stuff that happened with Johnny, and so crazy busy with everything else (other than my vacation when my ex is here, I have 1 child free night in the next 6 weeks), I’m not even trying at this point to find anyone new…why on earth would I add more stress??

          • Sharn

            Oh yes, all that!

            Plus for me I believe it’s a whole host of health and mental things I need to work through before I think I’d even be ready to search hard myself.

            I guess I keep OKC up on the off chance I find something new and different. But honestly, unless I get an email on there I don’t even open the app. So last night I thought about shutting it down until I’m actually ready to search. But then went to bed instead πŸ˜‰

            But you’re right. I think when we feel like we’re already under so much stress the whole thing becomes too hard and just not worth the effort. I’m sure you and me will get there eventually.

            Time and patience πŸ™‚

            Hugs to you <3

      • Warm Creme

        May I interject something, Sharn & Ann?

        If I had the inclination to share the emails and comments that I get on my blog or what my wife’s (our) Flickr profile receives from women, you would see that this is a phenomenon that is not gender specific. It is my belief that you are seeing it from men because your gender and what you are seeking coupled with the fact that there are an inordinate amount of men proliferating these sites for all manners of hook-ups. There is no way for me to prove my theory, but I suspect that the percentage of either gender that doesn’t read or simply chooses to ignore OUR specificity/boundaries assume that it is simply a firewall that is in place to merely weed out the “unsophisticated” suitors. Or, perhaps they feel that “no” means “try harder.”

        I cant imagine shagging someone who everyone else has experienced. I was in the Navy and I remember the stories of my shipmates experiencing the same women as they made their rounds through our crew. What was priceless is the trailing wave of STI that followed one particular female from guy to guy (TMI, yes, I know)!


        • Sharn

          That’s interesting WC.

          I’ve found women that message me actually do read my profile and will adhere to what I ask – whereas men seem to think that once they start talking to me they can change my mind.

          I haven’t found that many men doing that though, so I find it interesting that you’ve encountered the opposite.

          Oh it’s not that it’s the whole unsafe sex thing, I know everyone has safe sex because in that kind of an environment safe sex is paramount. It’s just the whole not actually wanting to jump into that pool.

          I honestly think it has more to do with my own standing with myself at the moment then anything else and I’m in the process of writing a really introspective post about it. Soon as work lets up and gives me a minute to write πŸ˜‰

          • Warm Creme

            I look forward to reading your introspective piece!

            These challenges as you describe are so foreign to me so I enjoy learning about what people face with regards to relationships and casual sex. I feel a bit like a voyeur as I read yours and Ann’s posts as you detail the success and pratfalls that you encounter.

            Mrs. WC could tell you more about this as she fields these messages on a regular basis.

            My blogs generate a smattering by comparison. And yes, women do fail to read our profile where all of our interests (or non-interests) are clearly spelled out.

          • Sharn

            Writing it out as we speak WC, writing it out πŸ˜‰

            Well, between typing to you and your lovely Mrs WC that is πŸ˜›

            Don’t ever say that I can’t multi-task!

            I’m glad to read that you enjoy what we write about. I think it’s really helpful reading about how other people deal with their issues. I know for me it gives me insight and perspective on my own way of dealing with things. I think that’s why I love reading y’all blogs so much.

            We all deal with different things so differently! Everyone always has a nugget of golden information that helps.

            And if they don’t they give the best virtual hugs in the world πŸ˜€

          • Warm Creme

            Mrs. WC just shared with me the substance of your conversation and…well…WOW! She mentioned an event in our recent history. I’ll let her deal with that since she tells it better than I can.

            We can multitask as well and have been known to have some great evenings that included…uh…I am saying too much. πŸ˜€ (I think you might have been a participant [unknowingly] not too long ago). πŸ˜‰

            I have had some amazing virtual hugs from you and a few other wonderful friends!

          • Sharn

            Heh, yes, we are having a very interesting conversation πŸ˜‰

            One thing I’ve learned WC is that there is never a thing as saying too much on my blog πŸ˜›

            hehehehe!! Oh the deviancy! The titillation! Hope I helped πŸ˜‰

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