For a long time I’ve wondered why I’ve thrown up walls and excuses for men and women that message me who seem suitable to date.
The other night I had an epiphany from talking a lot with another blogger friend in email has helped me come to some realisations myself.
I’m not ready to date.
I’m not ready to even contemplate anything romantic or heart warming. I’m still in a pretty horrible place mentally, I don’t have the energy to pursue anything because believe me I think there’s some that might be a lot of fun if I did pursue, but I can’t seem to. I think this relates back to the post I wrote about mental health and my health. The fact that after my ex broke up with earlier this year I’ve fallen into a downward spiral of distancing myself from a lot of my friends because that’s what depression does. I’ve isolated myself and I’m clawing my way back out slowly, but this will take time.
So instead of pushing myself to date, I put the brakes on it. It’s not fair on anyone I date. The fact that I wouldn’t be able to wholly commit coupled with the fact that I don’t plan on staying in Australia for more than another 4 years means dating and committing to someone is out of the question.
Because that decision is actually fair on me and it’s fair on a person that I might meet who wants more.
What I did at this point was change my profile to say I’m looking for a FWB arrangement, hence my previous post, to indicate that I would be open to men & women approaching me in regards to this type of arrangement. I was hoping that it would open the world up to those guys & gals that are in relationships so they don’t need me to invest but are happy to see me once or twice a week and be friends outside of that.
What’s wrong with this picture you say?
Well here’s the thing. Usually I am very free in my love and loving. Where, who and what the person in question has done previously wouldn’t be an issue. So this has then made me question why, after years and years of free loving with friends, with acquaintances and with relative strangers have I now made the jump to feeling a bit grossed out by the share factor.
This isn’t the share factor with anyone else on a greater scale – with this I still have no issue, this is the share factor within the Sydney Kink Community.
What’s changed that’s made me not want to explore people sexually that have gotten around a bit? Partly it’s to do with 60% of the Sydney Kink Community I think is full of twatburgers. People and their twue wayisms that are blind to anything outside of how they think this lifestyle should be led. People who think that because you don’t do things their way that your kink is somehow less than what they do. People who are brash, sexist, misogynistic and downright assholes.
I’ve dabbled in this lifestyle and within the community for well over 10 years. I’ve given most of those years performing at Hellfire on stage with my kinky family. The other years I did performances at Inquisition, at various kink nights, at Penrith Panthers once too. I’ve been to Darwin to perform at their Sexxxpo. We’ve been to New Zealand to perform at their annual Kink even in Christchurch. We’ve been to Melbourne to perform at the re-opening of Hellfire Melbourne. I’ve been with people who are long gone that I’ve seen again and haven’t seen again. I used to be part of a house where we opened it up once a month and had people over who used our dungeon, our furniture, our space to drink, eat, make merry… I’ve witnessed kinky marriages, court cases and hate rampages. I’ve had stalkers, falling out with friends, and my own many mistakes over the years.
How did I get to where I am now? How have I changed? Why did I change?
Oh that’s the million dollar question isn’t it?
I honestly believe that after been cheated on and lied to; to the extent that I was I’ve put up walls. I’ve put up walls to stop myself from getting into a situation again that might cause me such anguish.
The last time I was so free and open with myself was about 8 years ago. About the time I started to date someone who would irrevocably change my sexuality and myself to a degree that I’m still trying to unravel.
I guess some back story would be needed, but in order to tell this back story I’m going to need a lot more typing. For this is a story that isn’t easily told nor easily re-lived. It’s hard. And long. I’ll try to write a condensed version.
I was with someone who was a military man, before getting together with him I actually dated. He left the military not long after and we started to go through some rough patches. I offered to open up the relationship as I’d gone back to studying and working evenings and he worked days. He said no, he didn’t want an open relationship. So we continued on. There were a few hick ups here and there, his father was dying, I found out my insides didn’t work only to then find out they did with a surprise pregnancy. We were both going through pretty rough times. But instead of talking to me about maybe changing the hours I worked or whatever was troubling him, he went behind my back and started to fuck other people. Of course I didn’t find out about this until after we’d moved out of our shared home and into separate houses as I needed space from our relationship and him in the hopes that we’d both be able to figure out what we wanted and needed from each other so that we could move forward. Little did I know that his flirting behaviour with my next door neighbour had also escalated.
Instead, I found out because he decided that going to Hellfire (which is run by my kinky family and my bestest friends) and go home with someone from there. Purposefully telling my girlfriend that he was going home with this woman. So being that she’s one of my close loves, she calls me the next morning to tell me. I lose my shit at this.
I call him to scream that we’re over. That I’m throwing all this things out my 2nd floor bedroom window and that he can come get them at his own convenience before someone else decides they want his stuff. He spins me excuses and tries to reason with me. I’m not having a bar of it.
I have very strong lines when it comes to lying. Once you cross them I’m done. There is no going back.
After the initial bust up, I let him weasel his way back into my bed for sex. I wish I hadn’t.
Not long after our break up and consequent fuck buddy status I found out that he was about to have a baby with someone else. She was due in 3 months after we’d broken up.
Was I floored? A bit. Was I feeling super betrayed? Hugely so. We weren’t using protection. My stance had been when I offered an open relationship was that if he fucked other women he used a condom no matter the circumstance since we didn’t. But I couldn’t fathom how someone who supposedly loved me could risk my health in this manner.
I cut him totally out of my life at this point. No sex. No talks. No nothing. I sold his couch on eBay for $0.99. I cleansed him from my life.
So this is the legacy, of being cheated on, of I’m sure my daddy issues because my father left when I was 5 and I never saw him again until his funeral. Of me not feeling like I am enough for these people, of doubting myself, my capacity to be loved, to give love … to receive love.
That I’m scared to open up anything again for fear of the repercussions? Maybe. But that is my cross to bear however I find that what I did take away from his betrayal of me was that I was no longer just happy to offer up free love. I wasn’t able to open up to that extent again. Add in my ex breaking up with me via text message earlier this year because he was scared of his own emotions and instead of talking to me about them shut shop and cut me off left me with even more contemplations about what it is exactly about me that seems to make men run away?
How does this in turn relate to the gross feeling I have about sharing with other’s I know a FWB? I’m not sure. I think there’s some residual factor left where I find it easier to keep these things separate for fear of the fall out when things go pear-shaped. Maybe I’ll change my mind once I work through my shit.
No, I don’t have this problem with women. Just men.
I think maybe I need to focus on myself even more. Maybe this period of not finding a FWB or anything else is actually a blessing in disguise. Maybe in my silly way I have pushed away and made excuses for myself to face getting intimate with someone else because I still feel like I fall short somehow.
That I’m not enough for these guys.
But instead of taking down my OKC profile as I was tempted to do last night – I’m going to leave it up. But in the same breath I’m changing the looking for casual sex/FWB status to just looking for friends again.