The Sex Files: When it all goes to hell in a handbasket. Bad sex.
28th November 2014
You know it right? Those moments where you groan, not moan, you groan and wish he’d come already so you can ask him to leave.
Ever have those moments? I had one not long ago and it turned me off sex for a whole week. Then I had to organise to fuck a few men in rapid succession to make sure I erased that horrible horrible night from my memory. But every so often, it comes back. Like heartburn.
And thanks to the two lovely lasses over at Turning Lamebos into Rainbows who started this whole ball rolling and a certain someone’s been riding my boobs about my post, so here you go Goaty, this one’s for you.
It was a dark and dreary night…
Oh who the hell am I kidding? It was about 4.30 in the afternoon and I was rabidly horny and just got home. So I called out to my housemate to see if she had plans that night. She said no. I said I was thinking about bringing over some guy from an adult fucking site to do me and she said she’d join me. So we searched and this one guy reached out to me. He seemed nice enough. He said he was kinky. At this point I didn’t really care how high his IQ, I was wondering how high his penis would get. So I said sure, come over. I’ll meet you down the street at 6 pm. Yes I work fast.
He turns up since he didn’t live very far away. I ask him my usual questions to ascertain he isn’t some crazy killer and then proceed to walk him back to my house.
He wore a sweater, I kid you not, like those sweaters you see those cute geeks wear, except he wasn’t cute or endearing. He was a british gent. His accent gave him away. He mentioned in passing as we walked up to the house that he was into feet. My alarm bells went off at this since I don’t do feet. I don’t like feet. They are gross.
But I had an internal monologue go like this:
Sane me: OMG HE IS A FOOT FETISHIST!
Horny me: Oh shut the fuck up you prissy bitch, I want to get laid.
Sane me: HE’S INTO FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!!!!!!!!!!!
Horny me: How bad can this be? Surely he’s like most guys, he uses his penis where it counts and we’ll get off right?
Sane me: ARE YOU INSANE?! HE’S INTO FUCKING FEET!
Horny me: She’ll be right. You just wait and see.
Oh I should have listened to my sane half. Damn you controlling cunt! You took over and ruined my sexual escapades for a whole week! TRAUMA! ER! TRAUMA AHEAD!
So as I opened the front door, my housemate pokes her head out of her bedroom to give him the once over and sniffs. How does she know these things?! She looked at me with a raised eyebrow and I shrugged. How bad can it be?
We get into my bedroom. I pull the door closed behind me and tell him to get comfortable on the bed.
I sit on the edge of the bed and ask him what kinds of things he’s into. He says feet again. He asks me how I feel about feet. I tell him that I think they are the grossest things on the planet. He looks a bit sad and I figure he’s going to get his dick wet, what’s with the face pulling?
I look at him and he looks at me. I huff and tell him to take his clothes off. This is going to be automatic. I just needed to get off. At this point I was wishing I’d just used my hitachi. He follows my instruction and gets naked. I tell him to kneel on the edge of the bed and masturbate to me masturbating and when he can’t take it any more to move up the bed and ask me if he can put his face where my hands are before I allow his cock near me. He nods eagerly at this. Subby boys, at least you know where you stand with them.
I start slowly masturbating. Letting my fingers trail up and down my labia, pushing in and exploring. Before long I’m slowly moaning. It felt sooo good I forgot he was there.
Until I feel the bed move that is. And he crawls up the bed and whispers “Can I please lick you?” I look at him and say “What? What did you say? My cat talks louder than you do.” And he asks again. “May I please lick your fingers and your cunt?”
“Better”, I tell him and let him go to town. His workmanship needed a lot of uh, guiding. Maybe he wasn’t used to being face first in a cunt before? At any rate I started to get frustrated so I told him to stop and fuck me.
He shuffled up the bed and positioned himself between my legs as I was still sitting upright. And then he grabbed my foot with his hand and started massaging it as he tried to poke his penis in. I looked at my foot alarmed and wondered if he would ever get the badger in and if I should call an end to this right here and right now.
However in amongst the turmoil that was my sane self and horny self screeching at each other that it will be ok, he finally got his penis in and as he did that, he put a toe in his mouth.
I may have made a rather shocked noise, my housemate called it a kind of keening. I can’t remember. I was traumatised. He pumped his hips with no enthusiasm whatsoever all the while his hands and his mouth were all over my feet.
I was so shocked I may have sat there like a stunned mullet. I didn’t think I was making noise, my housemate later said she nearly barged in to check if I was ok due to the ongoing high keening noise coming from my bedroom she said she’d never heard me make that noise before.
I wish she had.
He quickly stopped his boring pumping of his hips to sit on the bed with my feet and touch them to his penis as I looked on horrified. I tried to say no but all that came out were my high pitched eeeeee noises. Then before I could crawl away he came.
Not on my feet. No.
All over my satin bedspread and my wall.
I looked at the mess with my mouth hanging open.
He looked at me and grinned.
I threw his clothes at him and told him to leave.
My housemate made me lots of tea and gave me biscuits to make me feel better later. While she laughed at me for being silly and going there knowing he was a foot guy, what was I expecting? I wasn’t expecting that!! I’d never been with a foot fetishist before! I was expecting to get off!
I never EVER want to fuck a foot fetishist again. EVER.