I’ve avoided writing anything deep and meaningful here for a while now. Mostly because the developments with Cern I sometimes like to hoard to myself for the warm fuzzies before I share with others. And the rest, well, mainly because I can’t pinpoint what’s making me feel so … distant? Isolated? Alone? Stressed? Anxious? Actually I’ve not really wanted to vent my insanity. You see, sometimes I even become irrational and crazy because of… well….
Actually there’s a lot of things contributing to it. And as per normal, it all happened around my birthday. Damn that day coming around every year and fucking my life up.
On Monday I received my subpoena to court for the end of March for the sexual and physical assault trial – and instantly, this has added a new slowness to my step. A barrage of feelings and most of all, the feeling of drowning is overwhelming. I try really hard not to think about it, for thinking about it means it’s real and it’s going to happen. Thinking about it makes my eyes leak and my heart hurt. Cern has offered his support, not only to me but my house-mate in any way we may need him that week. I appreciate it greatly, yet I don’t know how to let him help. How do people do it? I’ve been self-sufficient for so long that I don’t know how to not be even when I obviously am not coping.
My cat went missing the other night – the neighbour said she’d seen him sitting outside my bedroom window for a few days hoping I’d let him in. Except I hadn’t been home because I was at work and stayed that night at Cern’s place. Instead of keeping my shit together and looking for him like I usually do. I had a moment in my bathroom where I just broke down before putting my big girl panties on to stop crying. Cat eventually turned up, my anxiety levels stayed high though.
Add on top of that some financial strain and I’m suddenly a hot pot of flatness and I don’t know how to break myself from the spiral. I’m pretty sure I’m really not that much fun to be around at the moment and try as I might, I think that bleeds through and Cern isn’t quite sure what to do with me either.
He asked me what was wrong last night and all I could think of to say was that with the financial stress and the emotional stress and that I’ve been so used to taking care of others and always being the strong one who keeps her shit together that sometimes I don’t know how to let it all go. I honestly don’t. It’s like another leap of faith that I don’t have the energy or the mental capacity to make right now. The thought of making myself vulnerable, even more so than I already feel, is petrifying. I’m scared of what the court case is going to bring, I’m scared of what it’s going to mean for my friend, for me… It’s easier to put on a brave face and act like I’m not falling apart inside. Which I know isn’t fair. On him or me, but the alternative makes me want to run and hide in another galaxy where he can’t find me.
My actual birthday day was beautiful. One day that shone out of the week, it’s helped get me through. We spent a lot of time tangled in each other, touching, patting, fucking… interspersed with him kidnapping me and surprising me with pancakes for breakfast/lunch. I spent the night eating pizza with my house-mate as we hugged and offered each other emotional support and drank some cider. At least she knows she’s not alone. I’m not going anywhere and we’re getting through this together.
I think I might be an emotional basket case.
My feeling of self clarity and self realisations have gone out the window. Everything is murky, like someone’s wiped the windows with a dirty dish rag.
I feel that I haven’t been there enough for my sister who just had her second baby. I haven’t helped her enough. I feel that I’ve let her down in a way by not being there. I was there every other day when my niece was born and my sister came down with that horrible sickness. Granted she hasn’t been sick this time so is very able to look after my nephew on her own, but still. I haven’t done enough.
Cern mentioned that we should move in together. If I moved out to his place I’d need to buy a car. Or a motorbike to get to work and see my friends who all live in the Inner City and he lives way out in the cunt-tree. I get it’s closer to his kids and I wouldn’t want him to move to be further from them. This isn’t always about me and I get that, I’m ok with that. The fact that his kids come first is important, not only to him. But it leaves me with a huge question mark in regards to moving away from everything that’s close and familiar to somewhere that doesn’t have a cafe around the corner (sure the shopping mall is up the road, but it’s not the same as the cafe culture of my town)… It would take me an extra 30 minutes on a train to get to work on top of the hour it already takes. That’s 3 hours travelling a day without a car. It’s such a long way away from anything. I’ve never lived so far from the city and it causes me the same feeling that heart burn gives you.
4 months. I counted. We’ve known each other 4 months yet I feel like he’s never not been a part of my life and I can’t see him not being with me. Contradiction of epic proportions, right? Right. I freaked out. I freak out at big changes like moving in together so soon. Call me old-fashioned, or crazy, or whatever. But 3 months. When is the right time to have the talk about living together? What’s the appropriate time you should be together before cohabiting? I know my ex girlfriend and I pretty much moved in together after a few months and we had nearly 4 years of an awesome relationship. Does it really matter how soon you move in together? We are pretty much spending every night together and I can’t remember the last time I slept alone – so it’s not that different anyway? Yet I’m scared because I would be giving up my social circle, my friends living close by, the social life, the Newtown lifestyle… a quick walk to a cafe, a pub or various restaurants. Yet at the same time I want to move in with him, I want to throw caution to the wind and do it. On the other hand I wonder if it’s not too soon for his kids to see me as a permanent fixture, should they spend more time with their dad alone? I feel like I’m taking time away from them being together sometimes even though I know his kids actually do enjoy my company and I theirs. Then I think that I’m being silly. Sometimes I feel silly. And there’s the issue of moving into a place that he’s lived in for a long time. It’s moving into his territory instead of moving together into new territory and making it ours. Small things, insignificant things probably but things that make me pause and wonder if we shouldn’t wait. So I’ve asked him to give me time, we have to wait till his house-mate moves out so that there’s a spare room anyway and at that point we’ll re-evaluate.
I feel like I’m full of aches at the moment. So many aches. My heart aches. My brain aches. My emotions ache. So this week, the week of my birth oh so many years ago. Is utter fail. FAIL. Deep and meaningful’s are such hard work.
On the plus side, since the Australian dollar has taken such a nose dive – I’ve been invited to spend a few weeks rolling around on sandy beaches and snorkelling in reefs with my Hellfire urban family in Samoa – as has Cern (the first ever partner that’s been invited to holiday with us in any sense as usually we’ve kept holidays to a tight-knit group). So this will be. At the end of July/August we’re going island hopping.
I may need to find a funny video to share to make this post seem less deary…